There's not a lot I have to say. I've been pondering my bitter routine that's been affecting my art making. And lately I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place, the rock being my creative passion for digital painting/illustration and the hard place being college. Those are some good privileges to have for someone in their 20s, but for someone like me who's hates school and prefers to explore the world on my own, this is a conflict of interest. I don't like the idea of someone watching over me and holding my hand on my way to learn new things, I want take that responsibility for myself. It's come to that point where I've evaluated myself as a person and as artist. I may not the good artist you people see me as, there's much more going on, yet at the same time there is nothing going on. This time I'm beginning to wonder whether the time spent drawing stuff and posting it online is really worth it. What can I do that hasn't already been done better. Who am I to pretend like I know what I'm doing while I fall into this endless sine curve between emotional struggle and bliss. It's too much and I don't know what to do. I have a hard time figuring out what I want, and by the time I do, it's already too late. For the longest time I somehow knew I have no one else to blame but myself. I need to get my head straight. Maybe get some help. People tell me so smile more, but it's not that simple. It's much worse know that second-hand happiness makes me sad. It hurts to watch the magic of friendships radiate from my peers because deep down inside I've never had that. I have never felt that happiness that I so desperately desire. Is it just me? I look down in gloom and never see my day bloom. Once upon a time, friends were like stars, always there the shine, but now the fires have burned out, nothing but the black that once consumed them. New ones have emerged, but I don't recognize them anymore. I'm left alone and the last to move on. To think I once believed that everything stayed the same. I wish I was right, but I cannot change that.
Who am I to you?